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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.