Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Strange
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t