John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.