You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.