“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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Just me?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.