Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
You Might Also Like
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.