Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
is this store having a stroke wtf
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
What is going on? 😅
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.