I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
You Might Also Like
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy