My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.