When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.