Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.