Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
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Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
CRYING
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.