I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You Might Also Like
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Okey dokey.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
That eye roll….
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.