Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore![]()
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
can’t talk my ride’s here
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Me as a therapist: omg same
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?