Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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Sharon, call the vet
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
This is my cat’s medicine.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.