I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.