Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off