What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
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I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha