What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Wait a minute
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…