please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Alexa; make it look like an accident
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.