Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Bringing home a sharpie
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?