If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
uncle dave has been through hell
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce