I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
A woman drives into a bar.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”