*pronounces UPS like yoops
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
every single time
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
good work, detective
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.