When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.