barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.