Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Who did it better?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!