if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Yoga Matt
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.