My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Discuss
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The French word for sex is croissant.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids