Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.