People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck