People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
No, I don’t think I will.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color