You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
S/o to @funTweeters .
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”