Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
bias laundering edition
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Every damn time
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions