her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Ah..makes sense now
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth