“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
You Might Also Like
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.