Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
This meeting could have been a cake
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
going to the ER y’all need anything
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.