I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
You Might Also Like
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
me and my fake scenarios
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I don’t think my car can fly