Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”