Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
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“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: