One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.