You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”