The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
You Might Also Like
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.