People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.