God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
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‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor