When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
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It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
scrabbled eggs
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone