Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.