Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.