[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
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Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
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Accurate
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
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*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
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Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.