Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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