This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I need to get some bricks…
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert