Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I occasionally drink every single night.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*![]()
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo