Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church