What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
When news reporters do sports stories
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)